Insecurity I’m so Over You

Yeah that’s right, insecurity I’m so over you. done with you. you have been the worst type of friend. one of those “friends” who encourages me to think, say and do what you know isn’t good for me in hopes to make me feel good for a little while. Yes, insecurity you have encouraged the worst of me and it’s time for you to go.

It has taken me a long time to realize the CONTROL insecurity has had over my life and fear it has caused..

It’s what drives me to stay quiet. Quiet because of the fear I will be ignored. Fear of being embarrassed if someone notices I was ignored. I have been ignored so many times in the past so why would my words be important now? The fear shuts my mouth even though my heart is screaming to say what’s on my mind, to add my part to the conversation, to be brave and talk to that person. It’s insecurity whispering in my ear that I won’t sound smart. that my words will get mixed up. that I will stumble to say what’s on my mind. so don’t say anything at all.

It’s what drives me to hate change or the unknown. I’m in a huge season of change. Going to college, living on my own, making new friends, finding a new church. It’s all a huge change that rocked my world almost making me want to give up and go home because home was safe and familiar. There was no fear of the unknown until I stepped into this new season. Suddenly, as fear began to increase so did the insecurity. Insecurity started acting as my friend telling me to stay home. It told me I was too young, not mature enough, not strong enough to be on my own.

It’s what keeps me from opening up to people. Insecurity causes my fear of rejection. my worst nightmare. rejection screams don’t be weird, people won’t like you. people will judge you. Insecurity says that I am not enough, that I need to be more. It’s what makes me feel as if I need to be someone else. Someone more outgoing or not as serious. It’s insecurity telling me I’m too shy and stopping me from doing what I want to do. It’s telling me I’m too boring. I’m too awkward.

It’s what makes me insanely competitive in things that aren’t a competition. Thinking that if I am perfect I will never feel less than others. (Never feeling less than others = secure, right?) It has made me become a perfectionist. Perfectionism has been my favorite way to hide the pain of rejection and insecurity. Perfectionism is a way we try to cover our flaws. Making it appear to others as if we are perfect and we don’t have to deal with flaws like they do. We try to put the focus on our strong points and highlight the amazing parts of our lives. Making it appear as if we are better than other’s. It’s the thinking that “if I just look perfect then I will be secure, if I just perform perfectly I will be secure, if I just get perfect grades I will be secure.” But perfectionism leaves us feeling less than because it is humanly impossible for any of us to achieve perfection. It’s a constant battle of pressure and stress to do everything right. It’s a cycle of insecurity triggering perfectionism and perfectionism triggering insecurity.

It’s what makes women think they have to look a certain way. Too tall? don’t wear heels because you’ll be taller than most guys. Too short? wear heels so you look important. Too big? you can only eat salad. Too skinny? you need to eat more. This is what insecurity does to us!! It controls everything we do even if we intend to ignore it.

I knew I had insecurities, I think we all know to some extent the insecurities that follow us. but I did not realize the control or power they had over my life. I also didn’t realize that I had legitimate reasons for insecurity until I opened So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. This should be a mandatory book that every woman reads, I definitely would recommend reading it.

So what is the real definition of insecurity?

“Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self doubt-a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate.” -Joseph Nowinski

As I read through the book I thought ‘this is you Alyssa, you do that because of your insecurity’ and ‘why do you continue to let insecurity rule your life? isn’t it painful?’

It is like we are all on the hunt for whatever will make us secure in the moment. Searching and searching to the point of exhaustion..

We search for our worth from other’s because insecurity tells us that approval will make us secure. One of the main prayers I pray when it comes to my future husband is that God would protect me from others who aren’t meant to be my husband. that others won’t be interested in me while I wait for him. However, some days when there are guys around my insecurity hopes they will be interested or notice me. like WHAT??? didn’t I just pray they wouldn’t notice me? what is wrong with me? My insecurity gets the best of me, hoping to find worth and confidence in the approval of others. The problem is we look for our worth to come from others instead of the very one who gave us our worth when He created us. This is giving people the power to take our security away from us. One word of criticism and your hanging on to your security for dear life.

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Insecurity is letting other’s words and actions towards me define who I am and my worth. It’s letting them make me feel less than I am. It’s allowing them to speak lies into my heart. It’s allowing their words to tear me down and destroy the way I see myself. and all insecurity leaves me with is a broken description of myself listing flaw after flaw. It begs me to believe that everyone is looking for my flaws. it does not tell me that other’s see how amazing I am.

We don’t have to give people power to take away our security. Their words can hurt us and be painful but at the end of the day we can stand up secure in who we are. I refuse to let insecurity control the way I live my life. I refuse to believe the lies that tear me down. I refuse to let anyone have the power to make me feel insecure in who I am so that I can have the deep relationships I want with other’s. Once we realize we can be open in a relationship and let people in without giving them power to take/control our security, the fear of letting someone in is very little and we are able to love fully without holding back. This heart has been longing to be free. to run and love other’s with such a passion. This is freedom! Freedom from all the lies holding me back.

When I turned the last page of the book I was a little disappointed. not that the book was over but that I wasn’t radically different. I thought reading this book would turn me into a secure woman. Then I realized this book couldn’t change me but it could change the way I respond when insecurity tries to control me. I have words of truth hidden in my heart. Powerful words from my heavenly Father that bring freedom.

This battle with insecurity might be a long one but it won’t be a battle I lose. So insecurity you can come knocking but the power and freedom I have in Christ will slam the door right back in your face. I’m so over you and your lies. Take your baggage and go because this heart is not your home anymore.